When was the last time you connected with a stranger?
The counter-intuitive effects of incidental social interactions on wellbeing
The newsletter is back!
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Ok. Let’s dive in.
The benefits of social ties.
Humans were made to connect. A large part of our human experience – this whole thing of being a little bag of organs sitting around on a giant orbiting ball - involves sitting around with others on said giant orbiting ball. After a loss this year, a family member of mine remarked, ‘we’re all just trying to hang around with the people we love for as long as we can.’ And I think that’s true.
I have written before about loners and explored whether potential benefits come with a more reclusive lifestyle. However, I tried in that piece to differentiate the concept of a ‘loner’ from the state of loneliness, the latter of which, if chronic, has been connected to a myriad of physical and mental health issues.
Overall, the research is clear: Social connections matter.
In his book Friends, renowned evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar highlights the plethora of studies demonstrating the psychological and physical benefits of close social ties. Aside from emotional support and social fulfilment, friendships also link to longer life spans and reduced risk of disease, and play a role in psychological well-being.
The benefits of speaking to strangers
As it turns out, though, connection and the benefits that accompany it are not limited to our closest family and friends. Weak ties – acquaintances, strangers – can also provide significant benefits. But, in what was dubbed an ‘apparent paradox’ in a 2014 study, people tend to dismiss this idea. The study found that although commuters on public trains and buses expected that commuting in solitude would be more enjoyable than speaking with a stranger, the opposite proved true. Trips which included chatting with strangers were more enjoyable. In their beautifully titled paper ‘Mistakenly Seeking Solitude’, the authors conclude that “people could improve their own momentary well-being – and that of others – by simply being more social with strangers, trying to create connections where one might otherwise choose isolation” (p. 1994).
Other research has found positive links between trust in strangers and subjective well-being. A further study conducted in 2014 with university students found that students’ self-reported happiness levels increased when they interacted with more classmates. Even beyond the classroom, the research found that more interactions with weak ties positively correlated to feelings of belonging and well-being, leading the authors to posit that “we should not underestimate the value of our acquaintances” (p. 920).
Beyond these advantages, some also suggest that weak ties can benefit us by providing sources of information that we wouldn’t otherwise have. This makes sense, and it’s easy to imagine the evolutionary function here: Engaging with others outside our known, close circles (and, consequently, often outside our comfort zone) exposes us to new perspectives and knowledge which may serve us in various areas of our lives.
Overall, then, the research presents a compelling case for rocking up to your next pilates class ready to engage with more than just your core.
Shy people are not immune to the benefits
That’s all good, but I don’t like speaking to strangers. What if you’re shy? Will you get anything from interacting with weak ties? This research found, in its laboratory study, that interacting with a stranger positively influenced the mood of participants. Further, those who were shy still reaped the benefits, with their positive affect rising and negative affect decreasing. So, even if you don’t identify as someone who loves to make new friends in the coffee line, you’re still likely to experience a boost from connecting with someone new.
How to get better at speaking to strangers
A recent study from 2022 explored the modern inclination to avoid interacting with strangers, an aversion that is often based on
inflated concerns about rejection, or
underestimating our competence at interacting.
The research method in this study is fun: Participants had to complete a week-long ‘scavenger hunt’, which often required them to go up and speak with strangers to complete their ‘mission’ for that day. Participants were asked various questions each day about their expectations and experiences. The study found that, over the course of the week, those participants who had to approach strangers as part of their ‘missions’ started to enjoy the interactions with strangers more, expect more positive feelings to result from the conversations, expect to make more of a positive impression on the strangers they interact with, feel more competent at having the conversations, and expect fewer rejections. In short, if you want to get better at speaking with strangers, the best method for improvement is practice.
Technology is an obstacle to incidental connections
The world we’re in today can be more challenging to navigate socially because our reliance on technology limits natural in-person engagement. It used to be the case that if you were checking out at the supermarket, you were all but guaranteed a no-distractions minute or so with the cashier – ample time for a brief, organic conversation to emerge.
Pre-smartphones, when we were waiting with a colleague for a meeting to begin, we’d probably have a chat to pass the time.
Pre-smartphones, when everyone was waiting on the plane as that one late passenger sprinted across the tarmac, perhaps we were more inclined to strike up a conversation with the person in 33E.
Technology has become a new kind of safety blanket for socialising. Research is also beginning to demonstrate this. One study from 2019 involved an experiment where people were placed in a waiting room either with or without their smartphones. Those with a smartphone were far less likely to smile at other strangers in the waiting room and exhibited fewer proper smiles. Another study conducted in 2013 concluded that the mere presence of a smartphone when two people were engaged in a 10-minute conversation reduced perceived relationship quality and closeness. And, when the designated topic of conversation was more meaningful, perceived empathy was reduced when a phone was visible nearby. (Notably, a recent study from 2021 failed to replicate some of these findings, which perhaps reflects both the complexities of this topic and the ongoing replication crisis.)
I think these developing ideas suggest that systemically, we are being pushed away from incidental connection-building with others, so we now have to make a more conscious effort to seek out those weak-tie connections. Even anecdotally, we can see how today's world tends to drive us towards a technologically-induced kind of solitude. I am all for technological advances, but it is always worth considering the negative implications and how we might counter them.
A small meaningful action:
Take on the challenge of ‘real world’ incidental connections this week - say hello and see what happens.
In a world where you can see on a screen what almost everyone you’ve ever met has been up to without actually having to meaningfully interact with anyone, I think that it can be easy to fall into a false sense of security when it comes to social fulfilment. Put another way, it can be easy to assume that our cups of social wellness are full because we are infinitely surrounded by virtual people and virtual noise. But there are many opportunities to connect with new people in person and receive the genuine well-being boost we might be missing. Since I started exploring this topic, I have more consciously observed my own little mood shifts after quick conversations with a neighbour in the elevator, a familiar face at the pilates studio, and my local baristas.
Perhaps we could all make more of a concerted effort to strike up conversations with fellow gymgoers, peers, commuters, neighbours, and baristas, to get some well-needed mood boosts – and maybe even spark some new meaningful relationships in the process*.
*Standard ‘stranger danger’ disclaimer that, of course, this does not mean throwing out the very appropriate advice from all our mums to always be conscious of safety and engage in proper forethought and precautions before approaching a stranger.
A quote:
To be strong, you have to be like water: if there are no obstacles, it flows; if there is an obstacle it stops; if a dam is broken, then it flows further; if a vessel is square. then it has a square form; if a vessel is round, then it has a round form. Because it is so soft and flexible, it is the most necessary and strongest thing.
-Lao Tzu
A recommendation:
Book: Already Free by Bruce Tift. If you’re with me on Instagram @havinga_time you’d have seen me post about this. I’m not even finished and can confidently say this is a spectacular book for anyone interested in dancing between the “fruitional” and the “developmental” paths: The spiritual path of Buddhism, which espouses that we are already free and requires us to practice immediacy in the present moment; alongside the traditional Western route of psychotherapy which requires us to critically examine our continuing and reinforcing behavioural patterns which usually develop in childhood.
Thanks so much for reading my first newsletter for 2023!
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