Letters #04: When does sharing become oversharing in leadership (and life)?
Delineating the scope of appropriate relational vulnerability
Situation
In a team meeting not long ago, a senior leader shared quite a lot about what they were going through personally: challenges with their mental health, feeling isolated, struggling to stay motivated at work. It was raw, and clearly took courage. But to be honest, it also left many of us unsure how to respond. Some people felt overwhelmed. Others felt pressured to offer emotional support. A few later admitted it made them question this leader’s ability to lead right now, even though they were sympathetic.
Since then, I’ve been wondering: Where is the line between being real and oversharing? While I understand the value of vulnerability, it also feels like it could be used as a blanket justification for making others uncomfortable.
Response
The other day, I found myself halfway through a cosmetic laser appointment, sitting up on the treatment bed, emotionally hugging my laser lady. Certainly not your everyday bonding moment (especially when it happens before your pants are back on). But there we were, mid-session, sharing a surprisingly tender, human exchange in the most unexpected of settings.
When I thought about it later, it occurred to me that the space and service itself—as clinical as it technically is—is probably one that quite naturally fosters a quick, real rapport between service providers and clients. It’s a small, intimate room, and clients naturally have to be vulnerable (literally) for the service to take place; while the provider has to be adept at holding that space and creating a level of comfort and reassurance. So, perhaps it’s not an unexpected space for emotional vulnerability at all. With a tone already set for openness and vulnerability already shared on part of the client, maybe it’s actually quite common for the provider of the service to feel like they can open up to their clients about their personal lives, and share their troubles while zapping their client’s remaining hair follicles at a level 10 Candela machine. In my little room, there were tears, and shaky voices, and ruminations on life and love and the state of it all. Although I found it unusual to find such an exchange in a space like that, I didn’t find it uncomfortable. But, I’m sure there would be a highly variable response if we grabbed a random sample of people and asked them their thoughts. The line between powerful vulnerability and relational liability can sometimes be a thin one.
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It’s important, I think, to first recognise that vulnerability can be somewhat of a superpower in leadership and relational connection. Self-disclosure has been identified as a key mechanism for forming and sustaining friendships, and, for the individual disclosing, it can also have a positive impact on social support and wellbeing. The body of research in this area in leadership seems pretty consistently positive, too, in that leaders’ acts of vulnerability (like moments of self-disclosure) elevate perceptions of their authenticity, and an openness to one’s flaws, emotional reality, and prior mistakes can help set the tone for genuine connection, psychological safety, and openness. In my experience of group dynamics, once someone nudges open a window for reasonable vulnerability, it usually then seeps in and fills the collective space like a breath of fresh air. And, when you’ve created norms around vulnerability and sharing, a group is able to really bond and flourish in the face of challenges.
While vulnerability is important for strengthening relationships in leadership, nurturing psychological safety and modelling openness, there is great caution to be taken in the concept of sharing based on only expression and without regard to contextual nuances. More worrisome is those expressions that are not only inappropriate for the context, but have an effect of generating discomfort and shifting the emotional weight of a personal experience onto those we are hoping to lead or positively connect with; effectively creating a new emotional responsibility for our counterpart to grapple, and to which they never consented. Most worrisome of all are those who engage in this kind of practice with an absence of awareness that extends to a genuine belief that their spontaneous-baggage-handover process is genuinely a positive act of leadership, rather than an impulse that should prompt introspection and reconsideration. (And, in some cases, maybe even an apology.)
Ultimately, there is a question that hangs in the air: Who or what is this share serving, here? Is it about relieving oneself of the load of one's emotional pain? Or, is it about thoughtfully offering a gift of shared human experience to foster open and authentic connection? Does it serve to relate to others, or simply to burden them? Who is the main beneficiary of the interaction? If we focus solely on being personally courageous, we necessarily exclude the relational dimension of vulnerability.
When it’s uncontained, sharing can prompt shifts in body language, awkward pauses, and fundamental changes to a relationship. For leadership, self-deprecating vulnerability relating to a sense of personal incompetence or failure has the capacity to be rather damaging with the wrong audience: If you explicitly don’t trust yourself, they might think, how can your team rely on you as a leader? Power dynamics are also critical here: if there is a major perceived power differential, emotional unloading or venting on the leader’s part can feel… icky. Complex relationships require sturdy foundations to effectively navigate genuine vulnerability.
At the same time, imposter syndrome and self-doubt are natural human experiences that most find really relatable and easy to connect with, as are mental health challenges, personal and relationship issues, and negative emotional moments. In leadership, most of us have now long abandoned the notion that a leader should be the knower of all things, competent at everything and a stranger to flaws. We can recognise that leadership is a human practice undertaken by necessarily imperfect humans, and vulnerability and authenticity are an important part of that. Accordingly, sharing in a way that doesn’t shift the burden can be a powerful invitation to connection, depth and understanding. However, perhaps one first needs to determine the purpose and the appropriateness of the share. And, once the flow of vulnerability begins, one also needs to be able to turn off the tap when it’s observed that the space for sharing has achieved saturation.
In my view, sharing most often shifts into oversharing when the share primarily serves the sharer over the share-ee; when it disproportionately contrasts with its environment; or, when it reflects a leap away from the level of relatedness you currently maintain in the relationship or group. For example, if you’ve only ever spoken about the weather with an acquaintance, opening up about the impacts of your parents’ divorce on your formative development is probably not an ideal next step.
Like all leadership practices, there is no prescriptive, fixed way to do vulnerability well, and it should also be iterative. Employing emotional intelligence to recognise if a share has landed well or needs to be pulled back is imperative; perhaps it’s more about slowly inching open the window to vulnerability and allowing it to seep in, rather than forcing it too quickly. Perhaps the focus should first be about nurturing the kind of environment that prompts more openness and vulnerability; with curious questions and a leadership practice that genuinely holds space for people. Then, perhaps testing waters with micro-shares that nudge towards openness; and paying close attention to body language, verbal responses and micro-expressions in response. Consent is also critical, and asking someone if they have the mental and emotional space to engage with you can be a good first step before shifting into a sharing mode.
Overall, this is a tricky one, because it challenges us to balance personal authenticity with boundaries and relational care. I’d love to know your thoughts - what does ‘good’ vulnerability look like? Is there a line, in your opinion? How have you dealt with this in your own leadership?
Thanks so much for reading my newsletter! I hope you like the new format. I don’t know what I’m doing any more than the next person, so for me, it is more about reflecting and exploring a situation or concept together than offering any kind of concrete answers.
Would you like to submit a situation or question for the ‘Letters’ series? Have an aspect of the human experience you’d like to explore in more depth? Submit anonymously below.
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I mostly write about things I find interesting, and often my writing is a way of clarifying my own learnings and insights. Any views expressed in this newsletter are my own and are not affiliated with any other institution, entity or person. Also, these newsletters contain generalised ideas, and none of this material constitutes professional or specific advice of any kind.