What kind of empathy will you lead with?
A deep dive on cognitive vs. emotional vs. compassionate empathy
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us… it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain.”
- Henri Nouwen
Last Letters edition, we explored how to work with an emotionally unavailable manager; including appreciating leadership narratives and their potential tensions, nurturing emotional micro-spaces where you can, and leading up with cognitive empathy. (Thanks so much for the wonderful feedback - and remember you can submit a situation or query anonymously for me to explore, here.) I want to go a little deeper on one of the concepts we explored this week before we get to another letter next week.
Empathy, leadership, and the garden
If you’ve done any kind of leadership or communication course in the last 15 years or so, you’ve almost certainly been exposed to discussions around empathy as a tool for connection, understanding and impact. Indeed, leaders’ empathy has been linked before to emotional intelligence, greater psychological safety, and engagement in organisations. Just from a human lens, it’s clear how empathy can be powerful in relationships and society. For example, empathic concern has been linked to greater willingness to engage in pro-social behaviours (helping others).
However, the concept of empathy is also often discussed in a singular way— typically, with reference to ‘feeling how someone else is feeling’ and demonstrating that connection with your counterpart. While this is a beautiful approach, in some scenarios (like the one we explored last edition), there may not be a present and safe holding ground for leading from this kind of empathy. Rather, bringing an emotional empathy approach to leadership in an emotionally-void climate can drain its empathic host and feel like a never-ending uphill battle of caring that goes unacknowledged. Put another way, you’re not imagining things if blindly leading with emotional empathy hasn’t quite worked out as you’d hoped. Just as one would nurture a garden, it is helpful to first observe and see— which plants need hydration, which might take well to certain treatments, and, crucially, which ones need to first be culled of their dead leaves.
In the context of empathy and leadership, this means considering the landscape and evaluating where different empathic approaches might best serve the situation. There are three commonly considered types of empathy: Cognitive, emotional, and compassionate.
1. Cognitive Empathy
In scenarios where you’re not anticipating an emotionally abundant space to connect with someone, cognitive empathy might be the best approach. This one is more about seeing and being present for what’s happening than it is actually emotionally engaging with it. Cognitive empathy involves understanding the other person’s perspective and building on that understanding by demonstrating curiosity and warmth. In practice, you might ask some curious questions (“I noticed that you’ve seemed pretty under the pump lately; how are you going?”), or offer some reassurance of your understanding (“I understand that you’re going through a lot right now, and I appreciate there’s probably stuff happening that’s impacting your work.”). Sometimes, empathic practice requires us to understand what we shouldn’t be carrying: In garden terms, this approach is a nice way to offer some nourishment for connection without overdoing it and drowning the plant. At the same time, sometimes this more rational approach won’t be quite enough, leaving the garden weak and searching for the sun.
Thanks so much for reading my newsletter! I hope you like the new format. I don’t know what I’m doing any more than the next person, so for me, it is more about reflecting and exploring a situation or concept together than offering any kind of concrete answers.
Would you like to submit a situation or question for the ‘Letters’ series? Have an aspect of the human experience you’d like to explore in more depth? Submit anonymously below.
2. Emotional Empathy
Emotional empathy, unlike cognitive empathy, is where we seek to feel how our counterpart is feeling: Putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes from an emotional place. If someone opens up to us about their vulnerabilities, emotional empathy will have you feeling for and with that person; holding the space for those feelings, sitting with them, and expressing your connectedness. In practice, this might involve a lot more ‘we’ language (“I’m with you”, “we can move through this together”), genuine validation (“I am so sorry that things have been so difficult lately”), and reciprocal emotive expression. While a powerful method of connection, the risk here is sustainability: With continued use of emotional empathy, we can end up overextending and sacrificing our own wellness, particularly if our attempts to resonate emotionally often go unreciprocated. Emotional labour, resentment and compassion fatigue can be punishing rewards for empathic kindness in the wrong greenhouse.
3. Compassionate Empathy
At the next level, compassionate empathy takes both cognitive and emotional empathy, and adds a willingness to act with or for the person to help relieve their stress or negative feelings. Beyond understanding and feeling with the counterpart, you’re doing something about the situation as well: Stepping in on the person’s behalf to solve their problem, or otherwise help with the issue. Maybe you re-delegate your employee’s workload for the week to offer some relief from their anxiety and overwhelm, for example, or come in as an intermediary in a conflict scenario between two colleagues. Here, you’re not just nurturing the garden but actively intervening— repotting plants and planting new seeds. This is a powerful way of empathic practice, provided it’s appropriate: There is potential for misguided practice here if there is a lack of consent or understanding on the part of the other person.
Ultimately, stepping back and intentionally choosing what kind of empathy we engage with is its own form of empathic practice for the self. I’d love to know what kind of empathy you tend to lead with, and how it resonates in your own environment.
Thanks so much for reading my newsletter! I hope you like the new format. I don’t know what I’m doing any more than the next person, so for me, it is more about reflecting and exploring a situation or concept together than offering any kind of concrete answers.
Would you like to submit a situation or question for the ‘Letters’ series? Have an aspect of the human experience you’d like to explore in more depth? Submit anonymously below.
Enjoy this post? It would mean a lot to me if you shared it with someone who may also find it valuable or interesting.
Someone send you this? Subscribe now to get the next one directly to your inbox. Subscriptions are free.
I mostly write about things I find interesting, and often my writing is a way of clarifying my own learnings and insights. Any views expressed in this newsletter are my own and are not affiliated with any other institution, entity or person. Also, these newsletters contain generalised ideas, and none of this material constitutes professional or specific advice of any kind.