Letters #02: "My manager is emotionally unavailable"
Leadership narratives, connection and nurturing emotional micro-spaces
When we try to explain why they’re so effective, we often speak of strategy, vision, or powerful ideas. But the reality is much more primal: Great leadership works through emotions.
— From Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee, Primal Leadership
Situation
No one can deny that my manager is brilliant in many ways. She’s strategic, extremely experienced. But she’s completely emotionally unavailable. Everything is about output and outcomes, and nothing else. This is an issue itself, I think, but the business does not seem to care because our team performs well at the end of the day. However, I also care a lot about connection. My leadership style is based on empathy and trust. Trying to ‘lead up’ is exhausting when my manager won’t meet me halfway. How do I keep my authentic leadership style in this kind of environment, and how do I stop myself from becoming jaded along the way because of this manager?
Response
Leadership narratives and the tensions between them
For a long time, the old school heroic narrative of what leadership is all about seems to have left its reciprocal affective aspects largely on the periphery. Instead, traditional Western conceptions of leadership seem to hone in on how a charismatic, born-that-way visionary might ignite his followers to feel inspired, motivated, and ultimately take positive action. While there are still emotions involved in this image, the primary notion is that a leader is doing leadership to their followers. Leadership is a one-way thing. So, if you subscribe to this kind of leadership conception, there is arguably enough relational distance and lack of agency on part of the followers that genuine, reciprocal relationships might not be as closely considered.
Over time, we’ve seen these leadership narratives shift and evolve in line with changing societal contexts. As businesses have become too large and the world has become more complex, we have increasingly started to recognise some drawbacks of this ‘single heroic leader’ idea, and appreciate how leadership could instead be understood as a more collaborative, connected, and relational phenomenon. And alongside these conceptions, the door inches further and further ajar to engaging more with connection, trust, and shared affective experiences. If leadership is an influence process that emerges with and between people, the relationships between those people take centre stage, above the strengths and talents of the leader alone.
I wonder if it is helpful to consider, as a starting point, that there are many different ideas of leadership. More traditional conceptions are often focused on the leader being brilliant, whereas relational ideas of leadership focus more on relationships than individuals. Some concepts of leadership will consider performance outcomes the key indicator of success; whereas others will emphasise member engagement, satisfaction, and so on. Outside of these dominant narratives, individuals also have their own implicit schemas of leadership; the qualities, behaviours, or prototypes that we’ve adopted over time as underpinning beliefs about what good leadership looks like. This might be an accumulation of ideas gathered from what we observed in childhood through to our own core formative professional and life experiences as an adult.
Thanks so much for reading my newsletter! I hope you like the new agony-aunt-ish format. I don’t know what I’m doing any more than the next person, so for me, this is more about reflecting and exploring a situation together than offering any kind of concrete answer.
Would you like to submit a situation or question? Have an aspect of the human experience you’d like to explore in more depth? Submit anonymously below.
I wonder if a generous reading of this scenario might involve an assumption that this manager is operating in accordance with her conception of what good leadership is, focusing only on results. Perhaps she doesn’t recognise that there’s an emotional void there, that people are struggling with the lack of space she’s creating. Perhaps there is a blindness to her own emotional immaturity and need to develop more relational skills. Or, perhaps she is fearful of engaging with emotion and connection for some reason (fear of appearing ‘weak’? Fear of getting too close to subordinates, to a point where they see some flaws? Fear of building relationships that might be let down when someone needs to be performance managed?). Maybe she just figures it best to focus on her strengths. Perhaps the organisational culture facilitates inattention to connection by supporting this kind of management. Or maybe the organisation generally uses ‘busyness’ and a ‘fast-moving industry’ as a justification for leaving the ‘people’ side of work to the wayside.
The power of connection
Regardless of the underpinning influences at play, in the modern day, it’s not unreasonable to desire an emotionally aware and empathic leader. Daniel Goleman, a psychologist known for his work in emotional intelligence, talks about dissonant leaders and resonant leaders. While dissonant leaders are detached or emotionally out of sync with their members, resonant leaders are emotionally intelligent and attuned. The former can be dismissive, focused on output, and lead to limited or broken trust, confusion, fear, or tensions. The latter, however, will be more relational, empathically connecting and adapting to the states of those around them to help nurture psychological safety and positivity. The resonant leadership approach can help facilitate more positive environments for learning, creativity, stability and performance.
Anecdotally, many of us probably resonate with the concept that real relationships make for better leadership, organisational cultures and emotional engagement. And research is also increasingly clear about just how linked connection is with performance itself. Some research, for example, has found that when people consciously work to connect with others socially in their organisation, their performance lifts.
My current PhD study is drawing out more and more for me on the value of friendship, long-standing relationships, warmth, personal connections and informality in leadership. Ultimately, humans are social creatures, driven to connect. In my view, connection isn’t a fun addition to leadership; it’s the whole thing. It’s the infrastructure we build from, and the work we build towards. Wanting to connect in your own context and lead from a place of empathy and trust, then, is far from unreasonable — if anything, it may already serve those around you more than you expect.
Nurturing emotional micro-spaces and leading up with cognitive empathy
“Do not try to save the whole world or do anything grandiose. Instead, create a clearing in the dense forest of your life and wait there patiently…”
— Martha Postlethwaite
Sometimes, an emotionally void climate creates an opportunity to be a person who helps set the foundations for a more relational and emotionally available space. It could be worth reflecting: Where might there be opportunities to nurture positive emotional micro-spaces through one’s own leadership? Perhaps in smaller group settings, one can set a more open and vulnerable emotional tone to encourage sharing and deeper connection. Maybe there are reflective one-on-one peer conversations that could be had, or allies you can link up with to engage in more structured relational practices that better meet your needs. It’s always helpful, I find, to step back and examine our own zones of influence; to see where we have elements of control, and opportunities for change that serve our leadership and those around us in an authentic way. Maybe a first, meaningful step is about looking beyond and outside the disconnected manager, to the broader sphere of one’s work and leadership. There’s no need to feel like you have to fix the whole system, but it’s wonderful if you can create space where you can. And doing so may have other unintentional impacts: If we lean in and lead from a real, connection-oriented place, this role-modelling might influence other, less emotionally available managers.
It’s arguably also important, however, not to completely sacrifice the self in pursuit of values alignment. In an environment where there aren’t many structural or relational supports to help generate positive and safe emotional spaces for sharing, connection, vulnerability and creativity, one might find oneself overextending. Perhaps setting internal boundaries can help ensure the weight of emotional labour is not too much to carry, if we are the only ones carrying it.
And perhaps there are ways to foster a deeper connection with an emotionally unavailable manager, without feeling like you’re speaking two different languages. Maybe it involves having a matter-of-fact conversation where you express your needs in a process-oriented way: “I’d like to talk to you about my management style… I find I perform best when my manager and I have a weekly meeting in the calendar, where we can cover off anything task-oriented that we need, but also take some time to chat and share how everything is going…”; or “I find that I do best when I can close the communication loop after receiving feedback; can we set a follow-up call to check back in on Friday?”. Perhaps you lead up using cognitive empathy (which is based on understanding each other’s perspective), rather than trying to ignite a compassionate, emotive exchange. Maybe that involves both offering empathy (“I appreciate that you’re focused on efficiency with this, and you have pressure on you to achieve this number by end of month…”) and inviting a better understanding of your stance (“I really value connection, so I work really well when I feel like I can have an open and informal chat about what’s on my mind”).
We can’t control how others react to us, but perhaps some little nudges towards warmth and connection over time will accumulate, making for a more workable long-term relationship. Sometimes, leading with presence ourselves, as though we expect the connection to reach us eventually, can be the most powerful, authentic move when we otherwise feel like we’re in an emotional wasteland.
What do you think? Have you had a manager like this before? What advice would you offer to this situation?
Thanks so much for reading my newsletter! I hope you like the new format. I don’t know what I’m doing any more than the next person, so for me, it is more about reflecting and exploring a situation or concept together than offering any kind of concrete answers.
Would you like to submit a situation or question for the ‘Letters’ series? Have an aspect of the human experience you’d like to explore in more depth? Submit anonymously below.
Enjoy this post? It would mean a lot to me if you shared it with someone who may also find it valuable or interesting.
Someone send you this? Subscribe now to get the next one directly to your inbox. Subscriptions are free.
I mostly write about things I find interesting, and often my writing is a way of clarifying my own learnings and insights. Any views expressed in this newsletter are my own and are not affiliated with any other institution, entity or person. Also, these newsletters contain generalised ideas, and none of this material constitutes professional or specific advice of any kind.